Sunday School today opened with a question: Is it easier to forgive or to forget? It got me thinking.

See, I think that we tend to believe that it is easier to forget than to forgive. Why else would we try to "keep the past in the past," or "not look back," or just simply run from traumatic events? We try to bury the bad memories, leave them behind. Unfortunately, they have a habit of trailing behind us and hanting us. The only way to truly lay them in the past is to face what hurt us and forgive. Forgiving takes effort and even pain. To pick up a memory that we wanted to never remember again and look at it is difficult. The longer we avoid it, the worse it is when we face it anew. I know I have many things in my past that I regret. Things have happened to me that require me to love people I don't even want to remember. The people (and the memories they elicit) I have truly forgiven in my heart don't often return to haunt me.

You can't forget, and hope that once you've forgotten, you will forgive.

You must forgive, and though you may find it hard to forget, God will help the memories become more distant.

Meandering Thoughts on Balance

Some people strive for great emotion in their walk with God: rage at injustice, ecstasy in God's Spirit, grief over sin, and so forth. I strive for balance.

I want balance in my emotions, balance in my spiritual life, and balance in my physical life. I don't want extreme emotions. I don't want extreme faiths. I don't want extreme activities. I want to feel comfortable, stable, and most importantly, safe. When I go outside of my comfort zone, I want something that will re-establish the harmony in my life. I have often read that you should not feel comfortable, that comfort will make you unwilling to work. Honestly, I don't know.

I grew up on the mission field, and am returning to it in December. I don't think I lack in any desire to serve. I do, however, find it very hard to evangelize. I am, by nature, a helper or an encourager. I hate telling people that I think they're wrong. I realize that it's a responsibility we all have, but it doesn't make it any less hard to do. On the occassions that I do work up the courage to "make a stand," I feel so awful, so off-kilter, so unlike myself, that I must retreat into a quiet place and regain my inner stability. Sometimes, I wish I could let everyone know how much I hate conflict; how far I would go to keep the peace. I wish people understood that I love them, no matter how wrong I think they are, and that it hurts me that they would think I hate them or belittle them. I would never see anyone as being "beneath me."

But I digress.

Stability. Balance. I want a world around me that is balanced. I want a walk with God that does not hate, but that does not become over-zealous. I want a relationship with Jesus that finds peace in the knowlege that He saved me, but that finds urgency in the knowledge that some do not know Him. I want a love for the Holy Spirit that will understand Him as deeply as I can, but that won't drown, swimming in waters into which I was never meant to dive. I want to be comfortable so that people can see that comfort and desire it. I want a balance that keeps me able to minister and serve. I want a safety so assured that I fear nothing around me.

I'm not there yet, but I want to be . . . I strive to be.