Sunday School today opened with a question: Is it easier to forgive or to forget? It got me thinking.

See, I think that we tend to believe that it is easier to forget than to forgive. Why else would we try to "keep the past in the past," or "not look back," or just simply run from traumatic events? We try to bury the bad memories, leave them behind. Unfortunately, they have a habit of trailing behind us and hanting us. The only way to truly lay them in the past is to face what hurt us and forgive. Forgiving takes effort and even pain. To pick up a memory that we wanted to never remember again and look at it is difficult. The longer we avoid it, the worse it is when we face it anew. I know I have many things in my past that I regret. Things have happened to me that require me to love people I don't even want to remember. The people (and the memories they elicit) I have truly forgiven in my heart don't often return to haunt me.

You can't forget, and hope that once you've forgotten, you will forgive.

You must forgive, and though you may find it hard to forget, God will help the memories become more distant.

Meandering Thoughts on Balance

Some people strive for great emotion in their walk with God: rage at injustice, ecstasy in God's Spirit, grief over sin, and so forth. I strive for balance.

I want balance in my emotions, balance in my spiritual life, and balance in my physical life. I don't want extreme emotions. I don't want extreme faiths. I don't want extreme activities. I want to feel comfortable, stable, and most importantly, safe. When I go outside of my comfort zone, I want something that will re-establish the harmony in my life. I have often read that you should not feel comfortable, that comfort will make you unwilling to work. Honestly, I don't know.

I grew up on the mission field, and am returning to it in December. I don't think I lack in any desire to serve. I do, however, find it very hard to evangelize. I am, by nature, a helper or an encourager. I hate telling people that I think they're wrong. I realize that it's a responsibility we all have, but it doesn't make it any less hard to do. On the occassions that I do work up the courage to "make a stand," I feel so awful, so off-kilter, so unlike myself, that I must retreat into a quiet place and regain my inner stability. Sometimes, I wish I could let everyone know how much I hate conflict; how far I would go to keep the peace. I wish people understood that I love them, no matter how wrong I think they are, and that it hurts me that they would think I hate them or belittle them. I would never see anyone as being "beneath me."

But I digress.

Stability. Balance. I want a world around me that is balanced. I want a walk with God that does not hate, but that does not become over-zealous. I want a relationship with Jesus that finds peace in the knowlege that He saved me, but that finds urgency in the knowledge that some do not know Him. I want a love for the Holy Spirit that will understand Him as deeply as I can, but that won't drown, swimming in waters into which I was never meant to dive. I want to be comfortable so that people can see that comfort and desire it. I want a balance that keeps me able to minister and serve. I want a safety so assured that I fear nothing around me.

I'm not there yet, but I want to be . . . I strive to be.

On Saving

     I hadn't really thought of it before, but I saw a commercial this morning.  It was no different from any other commercial.  If anything, the dull presentation had very little with which to catch my attention.  At least he wasn't a screaming car salesman.  This car salesman spoke slowly, with a near-perfect monotone.  He explained how people could save money by purchasing cars from his company.  That's odd, I thought, you're not really saving money, you're just spending less.  Since that thought, I've noticed that the predominant definition of "save" is to "spend less."  And what do we do with the money we "save"?  We spend it.

     What if Jesus had the same definition of saving us as we have of saving money?  What if He considered us "saved" by simply not doing anything to us.  I'm glad the salvation of our souls is not the same as saving money.

     To set aside or reserve-- that was the definition that I associated with saving money.  What changed?  When did it change?  We work and earn money.  Then, we either save it or spend it (I consider investment a form of spending).  That's how the money works.  When did we decide that not doing anything with the money was saving it?  In the parable of the talents, it was the servant who did nothing with his money who lost everything.

Getting God's Go-Ahead

     I've heard it many times: "God has a special plan for you.  Make sure you find out what it is so that you can live up to your potential."  The view does have a positive outlook on individuality and the special calling of each person.  My only qualm with this statement is that it tends to paralyze the believer.  Fearful questions whirl through their minds as they watch trials coming their way.  They wonder if they have truly followed God's calling, if they have truly listened, if perhaps they ought to wait a little longer.  Frozen in their tracks, they look to their leaders, who say, "God has a special plan for you.  Make sure you find out what it is so that you can live up to your potential."

     I've been reading through Exodus.  My imagination soars as I picture the scenes playing out before me.  The Israelites have escaped from Egypt and have stopped to camp at the shores of the Red (not Reed) Sea.  The heat of the day is just beginning to ease as the sun slowly sets in the horizon.  For them, the view is astounding, because they can see the setting sun in the West, and giant pillar of fire lit in the East.  

     As some look at the setting sun, they see something disturbing.  A dark cloud has risen in the West.  Not too long after they see the forboding cloud, they see a mighty army approaching them.  Terrified, they run back to the camp and spread the word, "The Egyptians are coming!  We will all die!"  The news reach the ears of Moses.  The die-hard cynical comidians mutter, "Were there not enough graves in Egypt, that you had to bring us out here to die?"  Not amused, Moses rises up and the panicked mass grow a little quieter.

     "Don't be afraid.  Stand firm and you'll see the deliverance the LORD will bring to you today.  The Egyptians you see today you will never see again.  The LORD will fight for you; you need only be still."  Still frightened, the crowd turns to the West.  They must wait.  

     Moses prays, and then a surprising message comes from God to him.  "Why are you crying out to me?  Tell the Israelites to move on."  Instructions follow.  It is then that one of the most astounding displays of power in the Bible plays out for the Israelites.

     The pillar of fire breaks away and smashes down in front of the Egyptians.  For two entire days, it holds them back.  Meanwhile, God has told Moses to put his staff in the water.  A strong East wind carves through the water, marking a dry path for people to walk, lined with massive walls of water.  When the Israelites have passed safely through, the Egyptians are allowed to pursue.  The walls of water rush in on them, churning, crashing, and roaring.  I cannot help but wonder if they even had a chance to scream.

     "Tell the Israelites to move on," God told the leader.  And then He took care of things for them.

     I think that perhaps God might say the same thing again.  "Tell the Christians to move on."  He'll take care of you, and you'll see your pathway as you walk.

Where To Go

Perhaps the most useless type of compass would be one that says, "You are lost."  It would not point where to go, give no direction.

A study of the Word of God that doesn't lead anywhere or trigger any kind of thought would say nothing more than "You are lost."  It ought to direct the reader, and give him or her a goal in life.  Here I place my thoughts on my studies.  Perhaps I may not do more than "You are lost," but I hope they lead me somewhere useful.  Toward life.  Toward truth.  Toward God.